Classy, Not Trashy

            As of late, I’ve been reflecting on my life and how it is in comparison to how it could have been.  Now a forewarning, some things I say may come off as offensive, but I feel it is best to be blunt and honest to better get my point across.

            I love my parents, but sometimes I feel that maybe they had too many children.  Together they had 9, with me being the youngest, and when my father remarried he bore another daughter and gained a step-daughter.  My parents were divorced when I was about 3 or 4.  When I was born, my family lived in a shoddy town named Meadow Lake, in New Mexico.  When I look back to what I can remember, along with seeing pictures and thinking of family videos we used to watch, all I can remember is dirty, unkempt, and trashy.  All 11 of us lived in a mobile home, and both of our parents worked full time.  I don’t remember much from that time since I was so young.  When my parents were divorced, my father raised the older kids and my mother raised the younger kids.  Now, let me give some insight into my parents backgrounds.

            My father grew up in New Mexico.  I only remember the later years of Grandpa Bowman’s life, and I don’t remember my biological Grandma (she died when I was about a year old). But, I do remember my step-grandma, Grandma Bowman.  She was the sweetest being under the face of the sun.  I remember going to their house and playing with American Girl Dolls with her..  She had Samantha, and my sister, Rebekah, bought Molly for me.  She also fed us really well.  It saddens me that I can’t remember much more than that.

            For the record, I know more about my mother’s background because I lived with her for over 20 years.  My mother was born in Iowa, and that’s always been where her heart lies.  Her father was a renowned basketball coach who coached great players such as Carl Nicks and Larry Bird.  When my mother was 14, my grandfather’s career brought them to New Mexico.  My biological grandmother was a model for Sears, but died at a young age because of ill-maintained diabetes.  My grandfather remarried, and my step-granda, Grandma King, is a fantastic woman. Even to this day, you can see how much love she had for my grandfather.  I most admire her, though, because she is a very classy woman, and I hope I am that classy when I get to her age..

            I don’t recall the story of how my parents met, and I’ll leave a lot of what I do know out of this (since a lot is biased opinion from one parent).  I love my dad, but I don’t feel he was the right match for my mother.  They have such drastically different backgrounds, and I feel like my mom got thrown under the bus.  It was such a big difference from the life she was raised in.  But, she was convinced my father was “the one.”  I also feel like my dad could have been happier with someone else.  They are just two very different people.

            Raising 9 kids can really take it’s toll on a person.  When my parents divorced, my mom took two of my brothers (the ones just older than me) and I, and we moved next door to my Bowman grandparents (ironic, huh?).  We lived there temporarily before my mom bought a mobile home in Los Lunas.  Now, it was a few steps up from Meadow Lake, but not fantastic.  My sisters and I like to say some of our siblings got “good genes” while others were not so fortunate.  Eventually my oldest brother, Jeff, had his sons move in, too.  My mother struggled to support us (because there were so many of us), and for a while there were 7 people living in the 3 bedroom, singlewide mobile home.  With the help of my sister, Daisy, though, we were able to maintain a decent household.  After the first few years, Daisy left for her LDS mission.  After that, the majority of life was spent in a messy home with bugs, and with a high level of violence dealt by one of my brothers.  The older of Jeff’s sons also took on the violent tendencies of the aforementioned brother.  The two brothers older than I are also very socially awkward, and both have mental handicaps, although neither are bad enough that they are not functional.  The brother just older than I (Ivan) is very violent, and feels like my mother owes him the world.  He and my nephew would break things, punch holes in walls, yell at people, and threaten everyone.  Ivan is also very selfish, and doesn’t care about anyone else.  Growing up he was always a momma’s boy, although it was very one-sided.  When I was a baby, he would bite my mother when she would hold me.  And he is a chronic boredom eater.  Even back in Los Lunas he was eating her into the poor house, although it isn’t as bad as it is now.

In middle school, my brothers had a reputation as the stinky Special Ed kids.  When I entered middle school, I was known as “Ivan and Jesse Bowman’s sister,” and not in a good way.  This prevented me from gaining friends, and caused me to be very socially inept.  I did have a couple of very good friends, though, and we are still friends to this day (Yay Cheryl, Francine and Andrea!).  

            High school was a defining period in my life.  I figure there were two routes I could have taken.  I was growing up in a white trash (yes, I said it) city with white trash people.  But, I didn’t let High School be a bad experience for me.  I was determined to avoid the stigma that was previously set for me in middle school.  From day one I came out of my shell and made a lot of friends.  Given, most of them were band nerds, but there were still a lot of them and I valued them very dearly.  I was kind of a weirdo in high school, with spiked hair and baggy clothes that were only in dark colors (unless they were red).  I always imagined I was pretty invisible to anyone that wasn’t my friend or wasn’t in the band, but in junior and senior years I was voted “most unique,” so I guess SOMEONE had to know who I was.

            Now, let me explain what I meant when I said things could have gone very differently for me.  Although my mother was not abusive (she wouldn’t hurt a fly), there has been abuse within my family.  Particularly in the males, there is a proneness to violence.  As mentioned before, we grew up with very little money in a dirty mobile home and a mother that was working overtime graveyard shifts the majority of the week..  Supporting 7 people is hard enough when those 7 people are “normal.”  My family is definitely not “normal.”  But, here’s where things get interesting.  Sometimes I look at facebook profiles of people I grew up with and realize that they are still white trash.  I look at friends who date men that are abusive, trashy, and rude.  I look at friends that cannot spell worth a damn, even though we attended the same high school and the same classes.  I look at people who still dress the same as they did in high school, and not in a good way.  I look at people who spend all of their time being high.  I look at people who I grew up with that have children they can’t take care of.  I look at pictures taken of people I grew up with, and they are STILL in Los Lunas (come on guys, at least move to Albuquerque or Rio Rancho).

            My mother worked very hard to provide a better life for me.  She supported me through college at the University of Utah, and tried to give me everything I wanted and needed.  I think she was very determined to help me have a great life.  I wish I could give her what she wants.  She is an incredible woman, who has a heart bigger than anyone else I have ever met.  She is exceedingly smart, but was handed the short end of the stick when she married 40 years ago.  In September I moved out on my own (when I was done with college -- for the most part), and she retired, bought a home, and moved back to Iowa.  I feel terrible, because I was able to get out of the hard situation, and she was not.  Moving back to Iowa has been her dream, but my brother, Ivan, has moved out there with her, and is eating her out of house and home.  It’s almost as if his dream is to destroy her dream. As stated before, he feels she owes him everything.  He has gained a significant amount of weight, and is tipping the scales at over 300 lbs (and he is only about 5’6”).  He refuses to get a job, and sits at home all day playing video games.  He has been this way since he was 18, and getting a high school diploma has been his life’s crowning achievement, along with beating some video games.  He has held one job, which was at Deseret Industries (equivalent to the Salvation Army), and was fired.  Yes, he was fired from the DI.  No, I also did not know that was possible.  I hope someday she will kick him out and be happy.  She deserves to spend the last years of her life loving her living situation..  I fear she won’t be happy until that happens.  I’m not going to stop trying to convince her to kick him out until she does, and I hope I’m not alone in that.  Jesse has a job and helps around the house, and has been a good companion to my mom.

I look at my siblings, and they have (for the most part) also been saved from the fate that could have come upon them.  Jeff lives in Idaho with a sweet wife and a handful of children.  Greg lives in New Mexico still, but works really hard to make his way through life.  He is a very hard worker.  Eric has a beautiful family, and has lived his adult life serving our country.  Rebekah is a dental assistant and is living a great life, and has a pretty badass dog.  Amy has a handful of children, and just graduated as a surgical tech.  She became the first student from her school to gain entry into the Association of Surgical Technologists National Honor Society, because she had 100% attendance and a 4.0 GPA.  Daisy married a wonderful man named Ramses.  I can honestly say he is one of the most fantastic people I have ever met.  I mean, he must be if he could handle Daisy enough to marry her!  They now live in Pennsylvania with their two awesome dogs.  Not only is Daisy my sister, she is also one of my best friends in the world.  We share similar views on the world, and if we don't, she doesn't judge me.  She is with me in the gratitude we have knowing that we successfully made it to a better life than we were aimed towards.  She will also listen to anything I have to say, and I can talk to her when nobody else is willing to listen.  I don't really talk to my step sister, Michelle, but I'd sure like to get in contact with her and do some catching up.  Jesse lives in Iowa with my mom and works as a janitor at a Methodist church.  I'm proud of him for holding down a job and working hard to maintain a household with my mom.  Ivan... well, I just talked about him.  I don't have much more to say.  Mary is attending college and has a boyfriend that she's been with for years.  I can tell she is happy with her life, too (although her life path wasn't as threatening as the rest of us).  

I am now 25, and I live in an apartment with my dog, Ginny, my roommate, Milagra, and her cat, Neko..  When I was 18, I got the hell out of dodge as soon as I could.  My mother and brother(s) moved with me.  It was the best decision I could have made for all of us.  I attended the University of Utah for a bachelor’s in Music Education.  I have gained many good friends that I wouldn’t give up for the world. I have dated some good guys, and some duds. Currently, I am dating the most wonderful guy I’ve ever met.  I met him two days before I started the best job I have ever had, and had my first date with him after work on my first day.  I met him through the amazing hobby I have ever taken up, which is cycling.  I appreciate him more than he could possibly know.  His family is amazing, too.  I currently work as a receptionist at a beautiful and prestigious law firm.  I associate myself with smart and fun people.  Last weekend I flew my mother in for Mother’s Day, and we spent the majority of the weekend with my boyfriend’s family.  At one point during the weekend I was trying to pick an outfit to wear for an event, and I kept asking her how my outfit choices looked. Finally she said “I don’t know where you get your sense of style.  It sure isn’t from me!”  That doesn’t seem like a big deal, but for me it has was.  It has been a major goal of mine to be classy and not white trashy, and to live a life that I can be proud of.  Above all, I appreciate the people and things that have happened to help me to be where I am now.

To anyone that thinks you are stuck in your situation, trust me, you’re not.  You really can do and be whatever you want to be.